log 1

hi.

i don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. i wake up and it’s like... what’s the point. no reason, no nothing. just another day of silence. if i don’t leave the house, i don’t even speak. not a single word.

i cook alone. eat alone. exist alone. most days, i feel like i’m just floating, like i’m not even real anymore. sometimes i cry, but even that feels empty.

sleep? what even is sleep. i close my eyes but my brain doesn’t shut up. it just keeps going, louder and louder. two hours, maybe less, before i’m yanked back into this mess. it’s like i can’t even rest properly.

what am i doing with my life? nothing. i’m not building anything, i’m not working on anything, i’m not anything. people say you gotta struggle for years to get somewhere, but i can’t even start. i just sit here thinking, and overthinking, and doing absolutely nothing.

i’ve changed. i know it. people who knew me a few years ago would probably say i’m not the same. and the ones who’ve known me for like 10 years? they’d laugh. but this isn’t funny. it’s not.

and i don’t know how to fix it. i don’t even know what i’d fix. i have no mentor, no guide, no nothing. just me, in this dark place, waiting for something to change. but nothing ever does.

sometimes it’s so heavy that i can’t even think about myself. so i think about them. the people who raised me. the ones who believed in me. the ones who’d fall apart if they saw me like this. but that doesn’t help. it just makes me feel worse.

i’m letting them down. i’m letting myself down. i’m failing at everything.

this is me. falling apart. alone. forgotten. and maybe this is just how it is now.

bye.