You know that voice in your head that tells little white lies to make you feel better? That's called self-deception, and we all do it. But bending the truth - even to ourselves - comes at a high price.
The Many Forms of Self-Deception
Lying to Ourselves
We all tell little white lies to ourselves now and then. Maybe you think you'll start your diet tomorrow or you'll get around to organizing your closet this weekend. But when self-deception becomes a habit, it can have damaging consequences. Some of the most common ways we lie to ourselves include:
Rationalization
We make excuses for our bad behavior or poor decisions to avoid taking responsibility. For example, telling yourself you'll make up for missing that deadline by working extra hard (even though you know you won't).
Denial
Refusing to accept the truth or reality of a situation. Like insisting that skipping the gym for the past month won't really impact your fitness goals or that your excessive shopping isn't damaging your budget.
Confirmation Bias
We tend to search for, believe, and remember information that confirms what we already think. So if you have a poor opinion of a co-worker, you'll notice and believe anything that supports that view while ignoring anything positive about them.
The costs of habitual self-deception are high. It leads to poor decision making, damaged relationships, and prevents personal growth.
The Psychological and Interpersonal Costs of Lying to Ourselves
Depression and Anxiety
When we lie to ourselves, we create an alternate reality that conflicts with the truth. This cognitive dissonance takes a major psychological toll. Self-deception is linked to higher levels of depression and anxiety.
Damaged Relationships
Lying to ourselves also harms our relationships. For example, if you convince yourself that your girlfriend doesn't appreciate you, you may start arguments over small issues and damage that trust in the relationship.
Poor Decision Making
When we lie to ourselves, we lose touch with the truth. This makes it much harder to solve problems or make wise choices. For example, if you refuse to admit you have a drinking problem, you won't take steps to address it.
Self-deception leads to denial, and denial leads to poor decision making with serious consequences.
Lack of Growth
Ultimately, lying to ourselves stunts our personal growth. We grow by facing the truth about ourselves and our lives, then taking action to improve. Self-deception avoids the truth and postpones growth indefinitely. As the saying goes, "the truth will set you free" - but only if you stop lying to yourself first.
The costs of self-deception are high, but the rewards of honest self-reflection are great.
Moving Forward With Radical Honesty
It’s time to start being brutally honest with yourself. No more excuses or rationalizations. Take a hard look at your behaviors and choices and how they're affecting your life. Ask yourself tough questions like:
Are you wasting time on social media or TV when you should be working?
Maybe you tell yourself “everyone needs downtime,” but three hours a night scrolling through Instagram is more than downtime. Be honest about how it's impacting your career and make a change.
Do you make unhealthy choices and then justify them later?
It's easy to say "I'll start my diet tomorrow" or "everyone deserves a treat now and then." But if you're overweight or struggling with health issues, making excuses won't undo the damage. Take responsibility for your choices and do better going forward.
Are you staying in your comfort zone out of fear of failure or rejection?
It's human nature to avoid risks, but playing it safe won't help you achieve your dreams or full potential. Maybe you've always wanted to start a business, learn to play an instrument, write a book, or travel the world. Whatever it is, be honest with yourself about what's holding you back so you can find the courage to pursue your passion.
The truth may be hard to face, but self-deception will only cause you more pain and regret in the long run.
The truth will set you free. But first, it may sting a little.